SUBJECT: Scouting the Planascene Forest, Part 1 of ? PARTICIPANTS: Kostos Averesch DATE FILED: Nowish STATUS: Complete SUMMARY: Scoping out the woods provides a WEALTH of USEFUL INFORMATION that is probably CRITICAL TO THE WAR EFFORT. (No.)
REPORT:
Cloudreach 20-21, Planascene Forest. Observed:
— Seventy thousand Maker-damned fucking trees, only one of which appeared possessed.
— A creek, with leeches.
— Some birds.
— Two arrows embedded in one of the seventy thousand Maker-damned fucking trees. Brought them back.
— Five mages residing in a long-term camp northwest of Leech Creek. Observed at a distance for approximately two hours discussing what they would have for dinner and whose responsibility it was to cook that day. Approached after determining they were utterly fucking harmless. Told them I was traveling to Cumberland. Was warned about leeches in creek. Was warned about leeches generally. Warning was contradicted by second mage who was certain that leeches could remove impurities from the blood. Warning was reiterated by first mage who did not wish for anything, whether it had limbs or not, to take his blood to do who knows what with. Second mage clarified that "who knows what" was likely digestion. First stated that that did not make it better. Theorized leeches were digesting impurities and leaving blood shit everywhere that anyone else could then use. Theorized leeches were worms possessed by hunger demons. Third mage said that she would be possessed by a hunger demon soon if she was not fed. Fourth mage informed her that that was not funny. Third mage informed him that it was his turn to attempt to hunt and if she was required to have moss soup for a fifth night she would be sure to shit green moss into his bedroll afterwards. Second mage recommended roasting moss in chips, decided salt would be required, recommended tossing moss in salad, decided additional ingredients would be required, recommended boiling moss into more of a mash that a soup, decided that would be disgusting, recommended fourth mage get off his ass and attempt to find a rabbit. Fourth mage insisted third mage help. First mage described group's previous uses of moss as meals for an entire fucking eternity. Asked if I would like some. Insisted I have some over my objections because I was not carrying enough provisions to walk to Cumberland. Informed me of the ancient lost healing properties of moss while I ate, particularly as regards heartburn and chronic impotency. Fifth mage woke from nap to inform us that this was bullshit. First and fifth mages discussed veracity of moss claims while fourth and third mages searched, loudly, for wildlife. Recommended they visit Kirkwall for salt and was assured they were avoiding populated areas until the matter of the war was fully settled. Hunters returned rabbitless. Left before additional moss was offered.
— Bear or wolf tracks. Unsure of difference.
— An additional eighty thousand Maked-damned fucking trees.
no subject